When Performance anxiety appears for everyday tasks
I remember my first day at school. I found another who seemed as happy as me to be there so off we went. It wasn’t so in the second year. I missed my previous teacher and felt something. I didn't know it was anxiety or apprehension then but I guess it was.
I can recall reciting a poem at a Butlin’s talent show before the age of 7 yet by age 12 I was in fear and trembling when I took my compulsory turn at singing solo for the teacher to determine whether I should be in the school choir or not.
In the Boys’ Brigade (BB) we often had snooker competitions. I am not sure I was hopeless as I felt but the feeling overrode the performance. In team games, I spent most of the game wishing it over such was the degree of anxiety provoked by the idea of
- Letting the side down
- Making a mistake
- Looking a fool
In cross country and long-distance running to my surprise, I was often in the first three. Somehow I channelled my determination to finish and that seemed to guide the feet. It was a clear race, “Here’s the course now run”. A beginning and an end. Team games were more sophisticated and involved too many components, running was clear it was me against the course and anyone else running on it.
Yet before a race, I would also feel such anxiety. I recall on one occasion being at the Mary Peters Track in Belfast. I didn’t have to run until 3 pm and I was thinking, “So for a 5-minute race I have to spend all the time before feeling like this.” As soon as I began the anxiety always dissipated.
My most memorable meltdown was when I was about 10. I was asked to speak at my Salvation Army Sunday School. Full of apprehension I did but within seconds my jaw was trembling and I was sobbing. How could it be so terrifying to have the attention of a room with your voice? Other issues were at work which looking back must have involved a lack of confidence, self-esteem, self-image and self-love.
I notice even that which I am moderately good at can invoke nervousness.
This morning the car is in for a service. A seemingly straightforward task. Yet the day before it is in my head. T has the car and she is elsewhere. Will she get back in time? She will but it doesn't stop me from being concerned. She decided to return at 7 am the car is due at the garage for 8 am. That concerned me until I heard her jingling keys at the door.
The last time I arrived 5 minutes before the garage was open and they were a little, “It is not 8 yet G.” I get there 4 minutes before and just wait in the car. They approach, they are ready, the key is exchanged and off I go.
Yes I know many are wondering why such an everyday task would provoke so much thinking, I do too. Yet I also know there are others reading this who will understand. The solution for me is, “Just get on with it .” I have to park the feelings aside and allow the mind to get me from A to B. The feelings keep interrupting but the mind has to just keep to its course maybe a bit like running knowing that if it just keeps going it will get to the end result.
I have said this before, the mind & the emotions are like two partners, and as in any partnership, they both bring something it simply allowing the right one to take charge at the appropriate time.
Best day,
g
