To exist in the light a shadow too must exist.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Life is fairly predictable. We get up Monday to Friday at a certain time more or less and do the same exercises before we set off for the day. The traffic is the same more or less. If it keeps me late I get to listen to Desert Island Discs on Radio 4. It is always of interest to find out why someone likes particular music as they talk about the significant points in their life.
Then every so often something not so predictable occurs. I am walking down the hill and I see a man falling over in the road, hit by a car. By the time I get to the scene, he is up and the driver tells him to get in and he will take him to the hospital. Reminds me of a time when I was about 10. I was running home from an ‘eleventh night Bonfire’ when a car clipped me. The driver stopped though like a startled cat I sprung up and ran on to my grandmother’s.
My world is one made up of words, verbally and written. Together they create the dialogue of the day. Not enough time to create as many words as needed.
I get home early as Virgin are sending in their technicians to sort out the Wi-Fi problem. Why is it I dust what I haven’t for some time because people are coming to my home? I want them to judge me well! I want to judge myself well.
After they go I ask Cee does she want to go out to eat. She chooses the predictable ‘Waffle House’. I say, “Now let’s stay within budget don’t order extras.” She satisfies my criteria by ordering water instead of a costed drink and having her extra. It is cold though the fire in the hearth makes it bearable.
I drop her later at a friend’s while I head off to the ‘Discussion group’. I get excited about driving to the members’ home at which it occurs. The homely atmosphere fills my mind as I anticipate who will be there and what will come of the evening.
We are discussing Jung’s idea of loving our ‘shadow side’ ( dark side).
The group often reminds me of a Channel 4 eighties discussion show, ‘After Dark’. We went on for two hours as each of us shared our view of the shadow and our experience of it. One of the group shared that ‘the shadow’ need not be dark but a part of ourselves that we don’t believe would be welcomed by those who mean something to us. It could be a desire to play soccer in a family that values only rugby or to play brass in a family who only values strings. Of course, it could be darker we take a sneaky look at naked bodies or a flutter on the horses. It is will be dark because, usually, it is a taboo.
A question arose for me, should those aspects of us remain in the privacy of counselling rooms or should we discuss them more openly? There does seem to be most who get on ‘just fine’ with life and their shadow does not seem to cause them too much trouble. Do such people exist? Is the shadow so hidden that we don’t see it? What is the balance between living honestly yet functioning?
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
I am persevering with the 12 steps. I remember years ago when I was struggling with the guilt of something I had done years before that a person in recovery shared the Ninth Step. There are times when we can do more harm than good even if our intention is well intended. I have valued the times when a resolution came to a long-ago dispute however wisdom should also be listened to if more harm than good was to result.
I can recall a person coming to me who I suspected of damaging an article belonging to me. He stretched forth his hand and said, “Gordon let’s call it quits.”
I found myself placing my hand in his even though there was a voice in my head saying, “But what about?”. It was strange in that somehow the act of reconciliation silenced the voice.
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