The pitch is high, the emotion angry and the words naked
I have the laptop open though I am not in a mood for writing yet writing has become so integral to my daily life that I want to write in good season and bad.
I was up at 5 this morning another trip to another University Open day. Today it was the University of Nottingham. I was surprised to discover that the campus is set within acres of green fields.
We get there shortly after 9 and spend most of the day there before driving the 3 hours home. Cee and her friend sleep as I drive. Of course, they have a party to attend tonight and an after party, I need to rest and sleep. I get a call late this evening wanting a lift from the party venue. I am tired I ask those parental questions and get (what my mind reads as) manipulation back. I do pick her up but I am not happy. I am sure there are boundaries somewhere though I am struggling to find them meanwhile fraught emotions and tiredness are finding me.
I recall the story earlier in the week of the guy who was pissed off at being mucked about. I reckon Highly Sensitive People ( HSP) push themselves beyond what they are comfortable but if you push them too hard and keep pushing be ready for the boundary to be laid verbally faster than the speed of light. At that speed, the emotions are the energy and so many are rushing to the surface that there is no time to consider, they are delivered as raw as babies from successive cesareans.
“ Stop pushing.” “ Know when you are pushing too far.” Whether she knows it or not I have been pushed. Did I know it? That’s the problem you want to be accommodating you sense that you are not totally happy with being asked to do something yet never having learnt to easily say no you suppress your own thought and agree to whatever is being asked.
And then it happens, again and again, you never consider where these suppressed feelings are going. One upon one they are gathering as disgruntled workers on the factory floor until they are many and they are feeling powerful, powerful enough to take on the bosses. My own suppressed ‘workers’ revolt against Gordon’s inability to say no and walk out of my mouth.
It isn’t pleasant the pitch is high, the emotion angry and the words naked. Cee who is sitting in the back remains quiet maybe she has learned that when I am in this state best to just sit it out.
We return home there is no more going out, there are no words exchanged she goes to bed and I am here. I am reverberating with relief though also guilt. I don’t really want to express myself in such a raw way well maybe a part of me does. A wish arises in my mind that I could let my yes be yes and my no be no believing that way no suppressed feelings would gather and I would save myself from my own nakedness.
g
PS I did have a mad thought of doing a video with me demonstrating ‘the pitch is high, the emotion angry and the words naked’ maybe I will?
