“Nothing in life is to be feared it is only to be understood.” Marie Curie
I received an email response from the solicitor to my complaint. I left it unopened until today. I hadn’t wanted it to interfere with Cee’s birthday.
I spoke with a neighbour the other night and he informed me he regularly questions his solicitor’s bills. After that conversation, I did think maybe I had been overdramatic about my billing if this is almost the assumed thing that you question solicitor’s bills. He seemed to suggest that people, professional or not, will push to see how much they can take. I thought this was only children? Now it seems you have to regulate others.
I looked at the email before I opened it and then I felt the need to write how I was feeling. Out of this came an insight or two for me,
- I want to be liked
- I do not totally value myself
Let me explain; I was seriously bothered that the solicitor may not like what I had to say and may think less of me. So what? Where does such thinking come? It comes from a lack of belief in myself and the right to express reasonably what I think.
Somewhere along the way, I had learned that my opinion was less than another’s particularly if I perceived the other to be more powerful. That of itself has caused me problems as out of the lack of belief came an edge sometimes perceived as aggressive. Too easily a reasonable request could be ignored as aggression became the focus.
I had a desire to be liked. This surely comes from a lack of self-love. It is only important to be liked if you depend on the approval of others.
I opened the email and was surprised to find that they reduced the bill!
So how come I had allowed emotions to become so involved in the matter? If anything emotions need to play a lesser role. It was as I was staring at the computer that I realised the emotions felt were not about this matter but this matter touched my faulty emotional base.
The matter challenged me, it challenged that faulty emotional base and usually when it is challenged it does what it has learned to do it comes out angry. Some anger is based on fear and in this case, it was about the fear of not being liked and being judged. A healthy emotional base would say, “I am annoyed with this bill and I will question it.” Fear would play no part, no fear of asking the wrong question or being treated less than.
In that moment I realised how often I have allowed another’s opinion to be more powerful than my own usually to my detriment. That has often produced the aggressive defence in me that easily gives to the other the excuse they need not to deal with the problem at hand.
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