“I’m dead”

Photo by Tom Sodoge on Unsplash

I heard Krishnamurti's challenge: “Die now and see what happens!” Remember we are talking about the death of self here not the body.

Driving this morning I was thinking when I was nine I accepted the challenge of letting Jesus come into my heart so I reckoned I had the ability to make what could be far-reaching maybe even life-changing decisions. I then remembered that it felt like a lot of trying. Three years later when I experienced what was called, ‘Baptism in the Holy Spirit’ that was energising and a lot less trying.

Then in 1987, I had the dream and in 2007 the experience of oneness. Something in me seemed up for dying to self. Three times when people asked me today how I was I said, “I'm dead.” The cafe owner replied, “Normally you are alive” I compromised and settled on “I am the living dead”.

This was my attempt to live as a dead man (dead to self). I did OK with the traffic and reminded myself, “A dead man isn't bothered how others drive.” By the afternoon I wasn’t so dead as I got into something that someone else got into though we were coming from opposite ends. I found myself saying, “You are very insistent about this and I am also being very insistent about this so much so that I need to give it up.”

In the space of an hour this afternoon I was very much alive as I experienced the demands and opinions of others. This ego is strong.

g