I still like a story better than a Psalm
Psalm 25 (there is an audio version of this story at the end)
I have never been one to turn to the Psalms when I needed encouragement. I prefer prose over poetry. I am being challenged as our group has decided to use Psalms as a basis of our contemplations.
Perhaps they sound too like me when I write letters or when I utter prayers. They don’t give an answer nor what happened next. What they do is let you read the inner life of the writer.
We are currently looking at Psalm 25. As I read it aloud I think to myself, “Who would speak like this to another?” When I read I try to make it like a conversation.
Verse 1 reads, “To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you, I trust, O my God”
I hear myself. I hear myself when I am anxious and I pray or when I write a letter somehow needing to emphasise the relationship. The ‘O Lord’ could well be for us, our need to magnify God to soothe ourselves that no matter what ills us, God is bigger and that is why we lift our souls to the God we trust. We can’t trust ourselves so we become like children needing a parent.
Verse 2, “Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me”
When I read this I sense that David, who is believed to have written the Psalms, is feeling vulnerable. Many of us can identify with the fear of failure as we wonder, “ What happens if……………” Again he calls on God rather than his own resources for again like many of us he doubts his own ability to stay in a place of favour. He speaks of enemies, we all seem to have people who we think are against us or perhaps people for whatever reason we are in competition and we really don't what them to see us fail. These people may not be bothered but we are bothered by these people.
The shame we feel is not because of something we have done but a shame that comes from our perception that we have failed and others may gloat.
Verse 3 “No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.”
Again David is drawing on God to assuage his fears, “I am putting my hope in you God so you can’t let me down.” We may doubt ourselves, we may fail but God better not!
I can picture David in some tent in the midst of some defence against a warring force. I can at the same time picture myself at times when being overcome by some matter and knowing not what to do other than pray.
If these are the prayers for ourselves are they much different for those we pray for? I don’t think so. Others find themselves in situations like David, like me with all the fears and doubt that come.
When our group met one of us asked the question, ‘How different would they be if they had not met Jesus?’ I found myself asking the question and seeing a glimpse of what my life would have been.
There were a few years that I went my own way from the age of 13 to 17. Only 4 years but those years may tell me something that may have continued if I had not rekindled my relationship with ‘the father’.
It is true that I grew disillusioned with politics. I hadn't worked out that ‘the art of the possible’ only happens with negotiation and compromise. Actually, I probably hadn't worked out that life works better with the same components. So it wasn't rekindling the relationship that led me to that decision it was seeing that people didn’t stick to what they said. Well, of course, they don’t neither do I (although I am a stickler if you know me) but as a young teen, I believed them.
That disillusionment did create the space for the rekindling.
I could easily have been a young father as I had lost sense of the sacred and often acted in the moment believed it enhanced my worth. I could have thought being in a committed relationship with a child or not could have afforded worth. At 21 I was tempted.
I could have said “Yes” to the trainee manager role at the local hotel, I did only later to say “No”. I could have taken my place at Ealing Catering college but I went to Galway instead.
And yet I struggle to see further than my early twenties in this other life. Disillusionment brings with it the space to rekindle or kindle something new. I was looking for something to focus my life and after 9 months I found myself back with ‘the father’.
It would be different, the experience in ‘the wilderness years’ would curiously bring a greater depth to the relationship. Faith brings with it a sense of direction you almost know the right direction to take. That doesn't mean there weren’t moments when I found myself in the wrong place. But like David, I lent on God to find my way.
I can see many moments when I got stuck or even shrunk back. It was my trust in God that got me to the marriage ceremony and although 21 years later we separated later divorcing I am glad it did. Moments of brokenness can also bring greater depth. It was my trust in God that day by day taught me how to be a father.
Daily, I can still have doubts about my ability to do what is required to pay the bills. While a child may outgrow its needs for a parent I have not outgrown my need for ‘the father’. I am at his door most days! I do invite him here a lot as I love being with him. There is no other with who I feel so content and myself and he knows I still like a story better than a psalm.
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