How were we before we understood judgement?
It is curious what makes us more tense. At weekends I wake up with less botherment ( just made up that word). That is because there is less expected of me or perhaps of myself. Whereas on the days that I am expected to perform particularly after a break I can awake feeling tense in my stomach.
I recall first feeling this when at school and having to attend soccer trials to decide who would be on the school team. Actually I may have been ok with this is was perhaps when I wasn’t selected that I experienced rejection. The notion, “ You are not good enough was conveyed”. I wonder did it have to be like that? Could it not have been ok to just play regardless of standard?
I guess this was my first experience of moving from a world of uninhibited childhood to being made aware that from here on in it was not good enough just ‘to be’ you had to reach a standard ‘to be’…. in the team, in a certain class, in a certain circle. That seems to generate anxiety around internalised questions such as, “ Will I meet the grade?” “ Will I be accepted?” “What will I do if I fail?”
What happened to us enjoying the uninhibited child who danced when their body moved and sang when their mouth opened? No wonder some of us end up with ‘performance anxiety’ because at a point our world decided that we would be judged. Judgement brings with it an authority whereby someone, ‘The Judge’ decides whether your performance is ‘worthy’.
Of course, I have fallen into it myself. Today I am going to be aware of this and try to retrieve the child before the fall who just was.
Best day,
g
