Heart is good for love but not so good for anger
I reckon if I read back over my stories love and anger would feature quite often. Yesterday evening I was waiting for Cee to give her a lift to a local club. I must have called her on her phone three times, “Where are you?” “Coming” came the reply each time. It was near to freezing last night and these kids don’t start until near midnight. I had the engine on to keep warm and as it did I was also getting heated inside with waiting. Ok so you are not ready I will give you ten minutes. Ten minutes later I am expecting you. It doesn’t help that we have a massive car parking problem in the neighbourhood and my waiting is causing an obstruction should anyone want in or out.
23 30 “Cee I am here where are you?”
“Coming.”
23 40 “ Cee I am blocking the entrance where are you?”
“Coming.”
23 43 “ If you are not here in 2 minutes I am parking up and going nowhere.”
She arrives and I am furious. “Don’t say your coming when you are not. Don’t ask me for a lift if you can’t be on time.”
I feel a rage inside. Of course, it is not personal but her lack of consideration infuriates me. The truth is anyone’s lack of consideration, particularly when it involves me, infuriates me. I let her know and when she asked could I pick up other friends I went to a higher pitch, “ No, and stop pushing!” I had already agreed to pick up one friend somehow between ‘The Comings’ she had agreed to pick up two more.
There are few times when she has seen me enraged with lack of thought. My tally would tell me that was the 5th time in her almost 18 years. ( She may beg to differ)
She decided I was serious and organised an Uber ( I had never used Uber) to take her and her friends once I dropped her at the original pick up of friend number 1. I drove home annoyed.
If you know me you will know that the other side of my brain, the one that wasn’t enraged was trying to analyse why the other was so mad. It was asking questions like,
“What did it remind me of?”
“What unresolved anger did it trigger?”
The lasting question was, “Why do you have to get so emotional? Why couldn’t you just say, “You have not respected my gesture, therefore, I now withdraw it and you will make your own way Cinderella to the ball.” (Cinderella would have been coming home at that time anyway.)
“I get so emotional because I want her to enjoy herself and I don’t want to be responsible for stopping that from happening but because I should be withdrawing but I am not I am mad at you for putting me in this position.”
“In truth is it easier to get angry than to respectfully withdrawn?” Yes.
But it did not leave me feeling great nor I am sure her.
I got to page 37 of The Guardian this morning. It has taken me 3 weeks to get this far and I read the story of Randall Margraves as featured in the photo. His rage got so bad that it moved him across a courtroom to the defendant who had abused his daughters.
Each week I talk with men who get angry about situations that they find themselves in. I am supposed to be helping them deal with those emotions yet through yesterday’s incident I am aware of how quickly my own anger can get aroused. Yes I know there is a better way but tell that to my emotions when they bursting to get out. It tells me that I have yet much work to do to get to the place that I respond from the head and not the heart. Curious that heart is good for love but not so good for anger.
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