Giving doubts a place but not the whole house
Experiencing the new remembering the past
photo credit dSphotos
I received the photo above a week or so ago. It reminded me of the one below. You will probably recognise the one above is of my daughter and the one below of myself.
We are around the same age at the time of the photos although I am 30 years ahead of her now.
At the end of a difficult week, the photos make me smile. When I say a difficult week I think after being in silence and in a process of self-enquiry, I awoke some long-standing self-doubts. Somehow they lingered. Often they are momentary other times they nag throughout the day and as this week they keep at it for several days.
Krishnamurti would encourage us to face our doubts and question whether they are truly of us. He like many non-duality teachers speaks of ‘the observer’ and ‘the observed’. The observer is universal they are everywhere and we are part of them. I believe the observer could be interpreted as God, all-knowing, all-loving, all-seeing and the observed are the thoughts and feelings that pulsate through us.
Self-doubt belongs to some memory. It does not belong to ‘now’ yet some of our identities either placed on us by ourselves or others have attached themselves to a sense of who we are. Yet we are ‘beloved’ and any other sense is perhaps an illusion. An illusion in that we believe a dominant part of us is us rather than only part of the observed.
Even the photos are an illusion in that they are a snapshot of a moment. Over time they may become sentimental and with it may become more important than the actual time.
I opened an email from a solicitor in response to questions I had about a proposed extension of a lease. I could feel fear as I read all the possibilities. The prominent fear being as often is the case with me, “How much could this cost?” I know myself well enough to know it is best to let the information percolate until I get a better, balanced perspective. Again I note a fear, based on the past raises its head, I obviously haven't fully dealt with it. Krishnamurti (or at least my interpretation) would say to be totally free we have to find a place for the past. A place where perhaps we remember it but it does not remember us.
On Monday, Tee needed to retrieve her laptop from Leicester due to the marker of her work wanting her source material. I have noticed that she is in that phase of moving from being a student to the life of work. She submitted to me her plans to revitalise her room. Initially and predictable I was like, “How will all that fit?” Somehow by 5 30 just before I would drive her she had me shifting her bedroom furniture to make way for acquisitions she had made as a student. I was surprised it worked and that much-loved table acquired in Leicester as a student found a home.
It reminded me that when the time is right things happen and almost sort themselves. Let’s hope that happens with this lease extension.
g ( audio version below)
Previous stories referred to in this story
Experiencing silence at the Krishnamurti centre
Two-day retreat at the Hampshire, England, UK centre