Competing needs, to be alone yet to also relate
The older I become the more I am happy to be alone. A few years ago I realised I am a social introvert. I like being with people but need almost the same time away from people to regain my energy.
It is difficult to sustain an intimate relationship as what partner will understand my need to be alone? I was married for 21 years but perhaps ‘the was’ reflects the change.
You know how it is or at least it was for me, you are a teenager and the goal of life is to work towards financial security, find a partner, settle down and have children. So by 29, I am now trying to sustain these goals. The goals change to be a good father, a faithful partner and a valued colleague. The relationship survives until the child is almost 18. Heading towards 50 I am still a father and colleague but no longer a partner.
So I have been here before ‘single’ but the goals are now different. Intimacy but not shared living. What does a relationship that is ‘a special friendship’ look like? I am not sure that another would be up for such a creation.
I hold back as I don't want to start something likely to cause hurt. But the need for intimacy remains. The first time around I hurt as the other saw ‘what we had’ in more casual terms. I retreat for a time but after a year or two my need resurfaces and my willingness to try again. It will be only a matter of time before the parts I struggle to live with surface.
My emotional life can be so intense I need space alone sometimes that means I don’t even want to talk. I can experience an emotional stuckness when I feel pressure to organise and facilitate others when with them. The other may not even expect what is going on within me. I also feel stuck on my own, but it works itself out and seems easier to do than with another.
The stuckness usually means I don’t know what will happen next, creating an uncomfortable feeling.
Mentally there can be a lot that unsettles me. The thoughts I have going on are not always reasonable and will upset the other if expressed.
Most people know me for 90 minutes the more we get into extra time the more of my complexity they will see.
Sometimes it takes me real effort to do what others want to do often I am just happy to go off on my own.
If there is time to pass at certain events and I am not engaged or stimulated by it I can feel majorly challenged. Being with others often makes it harder to get through it.
I am not good at expectations. I also become concerned when finances go out of kilter.
If I look at my friendships we meet every so many weeks and maybe for a couple of hours. The person usually gets the best of me. Should we go beyond that the friend is likely to see the complexities. Throw into this that someone wants things in a relationship that I don’t. One of which is to be tied down to dates. Again it is easier to live alone and live as I try to do in the moment.
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