Change is not always good, the day I decided to toughen up
The idea of change is hanging around me so it seems I have not written of everything it still wants to say.
Times of significant change have come to mind though the first one, which seemed hidden for a time, was when I was about 13 years old.
Voice breaking and puberty signal change in the body so perhaps it was not such a surprise that as I left childhood behind I decided in my heart that I would act tougher towards the world.
As I look back on my childhood photos I can see that I was a small and slight boy. I can remember being timid of aggression though always happy to laugh. I was the sort of boy who was shocked to hear Policemen swear, I expected more from the guardians of the law. It wasn’t that my home was free of swearing but somehow I had a sense of what was right and proper. I easily fitted with Sunday Schools, churches and Christian youth organisations. I found them warm and welcoming places.
At the age of 9, I did what was preached to me and decided to give my heart to Jesus. I still remember the prayer,
“Come into my heart Lord Jesus, come into my heart today, come into my heart Lord Jesus, come into my heart to stay.”
There was a saying in Northern Ireland for people who lived Christian lives ‘Good living’. Some said, ‘Good living for a living’ such was the number of business people living ‘The Good life’.
It was a reinforcement of my childhood idea that there was a perfect life and a perfect way to live. It didn’t go down too well in some quarters which led at times to ridicule and an inference that I was too soft.
A number of factors combined that led me being somewhat confused and disillusioned with the church, I was now 13. A vacuum was created and I saw this as an opportunity for me to have, ‘My Jesus turning the tables’ moment. Did I really think in my head, “I will show them that I can be as bad as any and they will wish they had never despised my innocence.”
I describe the next 3 years as the wilderness years of my life. I directed my anger at anyone who attempted in a heavy handed way to control or correct me. Thankfully I remained responsive to those who showed kindness.
I also channeled that anger, that need to make a mark, by engaging in street politics. If you ever need to direct your misplaced anger become political as there will always be an opponent to aim it.
Change is usually associated with improvement though my first significant change as a 13-year-old wasn’t so, it would take 3 years wandering in the desert before I found my way out.
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